By Shaun Tumpane
Laguna Woods Globe columnist
I believe I have stumbled onto an axiom of 21st century American life: Age is inversely proportionate to health insurance.
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When we were in our 20s and 30s, seemingly there was health care in abundance, and the acronym HMO had yet to be added to our lexicon. My company provided employees with what was referred to as a “Cadillac Plan,” covering the cost for treatment of virtually any and all medical maladies.
With each passing year since retirement, I’ve had a variety of health care plans. In comparison to my Cadillac Plan of yore, I referred to my last five plans as my 2021 Corvair Plan, my 2022 Chevy Vega Plan, my 2023 Ford Pinto Plan, my 2024 Yugo Plan and my 2025 Edsel Plan.
From age 40 to 65, I had two primary care physicians (PCP). Since entering my “Golden Years,” which I’ve been known to call from time to time my “Iron Pyrite Years,” I’ve had to find a new PCP no less than five times, and each replacement seemed younger than his or her predecessor.
My current PCP resembles Doogie Howser. His bedside manner is, well, let’s just say it’s interesting. When I told Doogie that I had gone to Quest for bloodwork, he responded, “Bitchin’!” And, by the way, my chest X-ray was “rad!” I don’t think he realized his pun. Or maybe he doesn’t know what a pun is. Or how an X-ray is made.
Anyway, back to my proffered axiom. The older one becomes, the less interested the health care industry is in curing us, but rather seems to be in the business of managing our care until we assume room temperature.
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Which sort of makes sense. I mean, if you’re traveling by automobile from Tulsa to San Juan Capistrano, a distance of 1,500 miles, plus or minus, by the time you reach Palm Springs on I-10, you have a mere 96 miles to go.
Say your engine has an oil leak, the A/C fan belt squeaks intermittently, and the two front tires are close to bald. Do you replace the engine and purchase two new radials?
No, you add a quart or two of 10-30 SAE, make sure the tires aren’t overinflated and turn the A/C off once you’re in the hills of Hemet. You may limp into where the swallows return, but you’ll make it, and without blowing your kids’ inheritance with car repairs you really don’t need as you’re not driving anywhere ever again.
You are the oil-leaking clunker in this metaphor, in case you’re lost.
Medical professionals are trained to treat patients using all the skills, treatments and medical breakthroughs at their disposal.
But after a certain age, it feels as though it’s “It hurts when you do that? Then stop doing that!”
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Shaun Tumpane is a Laguna Woods Village resident.