Flash back almost 70 years to when I first started surfing.
The boards were big and heavy, most were still made of wood. My first board weighed 3 pounds more than I did.
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They were hard to get around, and in fact I had to walk mine to and from the water. I was lucky our house was only a few yards from the water, at high tide not even that.
But one of the advantages of the bigger boards was that they were buoyant enough so that you could paddle on your knees.
Knee paddling is faster and much more efficient than prone paddling. I took to it right off the bat and later won most every paddle race they had during my prime years in surfing competitions. I always knee-paddled in those races.
The upside of this was more speed. The downside was I got huge bumps on my knees, insteps of my feet and on my toes.
There were many people who thought having big “surf bumps” was a cool thing. I am thinking those people didn’t have ‘em. They often hurt and would get these kinda volcano-like sores on them that made it painful to make contact with the board.
I would gut it out anyway.
I had some of the biggest ones during the ’60s. Wearing dress shoes was a challenge.
There was a rumor that surf bumps would get you out of the draft because you couldn’t wear combat boots with the big bumps on the top of your feet. Didn’t work for me, though. I thought it would, but when I went in for my physical exam, I pointed them out and mentioned that there was no way I could wear boots with those. The guy just smirked and said they would get me a pair that would fit. Humph.
I ended up getting married and had my son Clint before I was called up. At that time, they didn’t take married guys with kids. I admit, I did not want to go to Vietnam.
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When the shortboard revolution took place in the late 1960s, the boards became too small to knee paddle anymore. They just didn’t float well enough. I had to totally readjust my paddling to a prone position.
This was OK, and I got used to it. The upside was the huge surf bumps on my knees and feet slowly went away. But lo and behold, they came back on my rib cages this time.
They were not the hard “knots” as the ones had been on my knees and feet. They were big kinda pillowy things, looking a lot like a lower set of female breasts but without nipples. My kids had fun referring to me as “the man with four boobs.” They look sort of funny, truth be told.
These have caused me some interesting moments going through customs at times. One time, a suspicious agent in Costa Rica pulled me aside and made me lift up my shirt. When he saw them, his eyes got all wide and he asked what those were. Seizing the moment for a bit of a laugh, I gave him a sly smile and earnestly said, “half man, half woman,” and winked. He screamed and ran off.
About 30 years ago, a doctor told me he could remove them, and they wouldn’t come back. So, I went for it and had ‘em taken off by liposuction. Didn’t work; they came back bigger than before. And it was a very painful ordeal. He said he was sorry and surprised they came back. No refund, though.
It appears they now have an actual name for these. They are called “liposurfomas.” Dr Jeffery Klein at UC Irvine has evidently done a whole study on this condition. They are often mistaken for cancerous, but they are benign growths.
Other than the obviously funny-looking part, they are not dangerous. It’s just your body’s way of protecting itself. It’s no fun having sore ribs, so these things become very helpful, along with often being a conversation piece.